Are You Petty or Passive Aggressive?
/
How Many Times Have You Been “Petty”?
I’ve done it. You’ve done it. We have ALL done it. Offered short responses to a friend’s pleading questions, ignored our coworker’s emails because they pushed our button or, sent a stream of one-worded texts to convey that you are annoyed instead of simply opening up about your true feelings. These days, we tend to find humor in those passive aggressive memes, work emails or, petty text messages because they are incredibly relatable.
However, to what extent does pettiness act as a detriment to our personal relationships?
While I don’t agree with the use of “normal people”, I do believe the definition itself does a good job of putting pettiness into perspective. When we find ourselves hurt or upset by another’s actions, those feelings are genuinely felt and should be validated. However, if we refuse to express those feelings and, instead, act out of pettiness, we can prevent ourselves from having significant moments of growth within our relationships.
Once upon a time, I recall getting very upset with a friend of mine. The two of us went to a party together and I expected that meant we would leave the party together. Unfortunately, the two of us were not on the same page. When I had to leave earlier than expected, my friend decided to stay.
I. WAS. LIVID.
Okay, I wasn’t actually livid, but I was visibly bothered. I spent the next two days completely icing her. When she asked me if everything was okay, I gave her a short “yes” and went about my business. My actions seemed to attract an equal and opposite reaction, as she reciprocated the same attitude. We spent the next few days awkwardly walking on eggshells and ignoring the giant elephant in the room until one of us decided to break the ice.
Call It Petty or Passive Aggressive, but it’s the same thing
Pettiness can be a hindrance in our relationships because it is a form of passive aggression that enables us to avoid productive conversations. “Passive aggressive behavior [is] a deliberate but covert way of expressing feelings of anger (Long, Long & Whitson, 2009) and is most often motivated by a person’s fear of expressing anger directly (Whitson, 2016).” Those petty one-worded text messages and short responses, though funny, are prime examples of passive aggressive behavior. It is a defense mechanism, allowing people to express their feelings without having to deal with uncomfortable conversations, directly. However, those conversations are, precisely, what enable us to grow as individuals and add a level depth to our relationships
Being Upfront With Your Feelings Benefits All Parties Involved
Though trivial, I was bothered by the fact that my friend decided to stay at the party when I had to leave. Rather than articulating this to her, I pulled out all of my petty cards to send subtle signs that I was upset. Consequently, that left my friend confused and reasonably uncomfortable as tension between the two of us grew.
Sometimes, we can overcome our disagreements without needing to have a thorough conversation about the matter. However, it’s important to talk about issues that arise instead of avoiding conflict with passive aggression. In doing so, you can create a space where you and your relationship can evolve.
When my friend and I finally decided to talk, both of us grew from the situation. In developing a stronger understanding of each other, we built a friendship where we respected and valued one another’s boundaries and pet peeves. In doing so, we became more intentional in acting out of empathy and compassion.
The Result
We created a culture within our friendship where the two of us could openly express our feelings about any situation, positive or negative, without fear of judgment.
I discovered that acting petty was inconsiderate to my friend. It’s never fair to leave the people we care for in the dark. At the end of the day, your loved ones want to be in relation with you and want to treat you well because they care about you.
I matured in my ability to speak candidly, directly, and transparently about my boundaries.
Finally, I’ve developed a confident spirit where I can stand up for myself without fearing potentially negative repercussions.
To be clear, this isn’t a call to drop all of our petty ways. Pettiness can be a source of lighthearted humor and is sometimes effective in sending a message. However, we should be wary of using pettiness or passive aggression as a substitute for expressing ourselves. We cannot read one another’s minds. Had I told my friend, “hey sis, I thought we were supposed to leave the party together” from the get go, we could have avoided an entire week of confusion, stress, and unnecessary tension.
At its core, pettiness is passive aggression. We often think of passive aggressive behavior as something negative in need of condemnation. However, to be petty and to be passive aggressive are one in the same. They are simply a means to protect ourselves from the fear of expressing unpleasant emotions. So, before you allow your pettiness to reign free, try to consider whether or not you’re using your pettiness as a defense mechanism against expressing your true emotions.
I’m a millennial-minded 22 year-old with the soul of a 60 year-old baby-boomer. I received my B.A. in Cultural Studies and Communication from the University of Virginia and currently work as a Legal Assistant for a Defense Litigation firm in Washington, DC. While, I continue to discover my passions day in and out, I have a particular affinity for travel, discovering culture, and understanding all the gray areas of life. You can connect with me on instagram @_madamekennedy_.
